Feelings

The only way I even know time is moving forward is because people are changing. Do you find that to be true too? I lost both my grandfathers in the same week. If death doesn't remind you that time is ticking away, I don't know what does. I also have a 3 month old baby girl that reminds me of this on a constant basis. I stare into her eyes and I can feel myself looking into the future. Is that crazy? Part of me can't see past the stage that she is in now, but the other part of me sees how different and how much older she looks from just 24 hours earlier, which only tells me she will never be like she is right this second ever again. Losing my grandfathers and having a newborn baby at the same time put me at the extremes of both ends of life all at once. I'm seeing the beginning and the end at the same time. It's seriously just the weirdest sensation. I'm mourning my loss and celebrating my gain, again, all at the same time. What's a person to do with all those feelings and emotions? 

Tonight, I held my baby. I couldn't put her in her crib and let her fall asleep on her own. Not because she needed me, but because I needed her. Sometimes I really struggle with my recent losses, but I like to think my grandfathers willingly passed knowing it would help me cherish my baby every single day. And I do. I really do. Somehow, I make it a point, and she makes it easy for me. Because she's small, and she's mine, and she'll never be this way ever again...and because you never know what tomorrow is going to bring.