Trying my best

Life is hard...people already know that. I do not think I really believed it until yesterday. I have cried now 2 days in a row. That is like some sort of record for me. I am stressed. I would love to say that it is not completely my fault that I cried, I would like to blame some of it on all this heavy pain medication I am on. It has to be throwing off my system somehow!!! When I get like this, I find it hard to even express how I am feeling and how everything overlapping and colliding with each other makes things even more complicated. I sometimes can't even pinpoint exactly what it is that is bothering me. All I know is we have tons of money going towards surgery costs/hospital stay/physical therapy/doctor visits. And really that would not be so bad if it was just that. But because of surgery I cannot get in my full 20 hours a week and have had to cut back to 10. Plus with trying to fit in physical therapy, and the fact that I am on heavy pain medication that puts me to sleep almost instantly, I have decided to take the least amount of credits I can while still getting by (and it really may be just that, getting by, it's only the second day of class and I'm already finding it hard to do homework and stay awake and keep my brain focused when the medication only wants to turn it off. But honestly that's a whole other issue, I hate scraping by in school, when trying my best this semester is only going to get me C's I won't feel all that accomplished). This means putting more money towards independent study classes we otherwise would not have had to pay for. Not to mention there are tons of grad school applications to pay for, and then obviously, graduate school tuition to pay for this coming Fall. I know I am thinking long term, but I can't help it. I've always been taught to spend money wisely and save and not go in to debt, something I have appreciated greatly from my parents. So the fact that I know our bank account is going to be beyond empty by the end of the year has me worried sick. And I know that everything is going to work out...I have already had that discussion with the Lord, it is just hard when I don't quite have everything figured out as perfectly as he does. But really, I don't know how much this really has to do with money...I know it's part of it, but I know how much I feel like this stupid surgery/recovery should be easy. I should just be able to heal quickly and get back in the swing of things...get dressed, tie my shoes, take a shower, and drive without any help from anybody. It's hard asking for help. It is easy when Taylor can take care of me...but for the times he can't, I feel like I should just be able to suck it up and do it on my own. Simple fact, I can't. It's so irritating to me. I don't want help. I want to be able to do it by myself. I know there are important things for me to learn from this, humility probably being a big one, not being afraid to ask for help being another big one. Another one I just thought of today is having a better understanding of other people's struggles and having a more compassionate heart. I don't help people enough. When sign ups come around I usually say I am too busy (and sometimes rightly so, I am just truly not available at the time someone needs help). But I think now, when I have two working knees, I'll be so grateful that I can take care of myself that helping someone else will be a privilege and not a burden. I don't know. Just random thoughts today. Anyway, I hope everyone else is having a wonderful few days back in school. Love to all.