Stressed

I was stressed out last week. It was one of those times that I was "In a mood" (as I would tell Taylor), but not really sure why. Perhaps the impending knowledge that my world was about to change into something completely unfamiliar to me. Something I am oh so excited for, but also completely unprepared for. How do you even begin to prep your heart, mind, and body for the experience of not only labor and delivery but for becoming a mother? I don't know. I wrote a previous post about wearing your heart on the line when you become a parent, and I think that still weighs heavy on me. I'm nervous. People make me scared. The world is cruel. People say harsh things whether they mean it or not. But sometimes just because they don't mean it, it doesn't make it any easier. My mom tells me I'm nervous because I'm going to get pay back for all the teasing I did to my nephew...which may be partly true. However, as I've thought about it more I believe a lot of my nervousness comes from my own insecurities. I've never been one to think I'm better than others or to really focus on my positive attributes. In fact, I'm really really sensitive. Which is actually pretty hard to admit. It's easier, I guess, that I'm not admitting it to anyone in particular. I remember lots of times when my family would get together and, said teasing of nephew would take place, my family would say things to me that would really, REALLY hurt my feelings. Sometimes I think they thought I was crazy for breaking down in tears, and I just couldn't understand how they didn't understand that it hurt my feelings. But I realize, I was probably just overly sensitive about the issue. When something is sensitive to you, it doesn't matter how gently people put it, it hurts. For some reason, comments that had nothing to do with how good of a mom I was going to be automatically translated in my head to them saying, "You're going to be a crap mom. Lucky you have us here to fix your situation." In reality, their words were probably never even close to resembling this message. 

I'm scared about being a mom. I'm scared I won't be good at it. I'm scared that something I've wanted for so long I'll end up being a complete failure at. I'm scared that I'll get those judgy looks from onlookers. I'm scared that people are going to correct me on how I handle my child. I'm scared that people are going to tell me what to do and how to raise my own children. I know this all probably sounds really silly, but I'm scared that people will see this weakness and use it against me. 

Well I hate being stressed. So I prayed for help. What did I pray for? "Please bless that other people will not judge me and that they will be nice to me. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!" And then I realized that there is no way that prayer could ever be answered. I changed it so that I could be okay in my insecurities. That I can handle the judgy looks, and people telling me what to do. And "Please don't let me BLOW UP at my family for telling me what to do." When I changed my prayer to helping my attitude, instead of changing other peoples behaviors, I was finally able to feel some relief. I still hope people are nice to me, but that isn't real life. People, including myself, are not nice 100% of the time. And so it is up to me. It has also been an eye opener to me that I don't always understand why people are so bothered by certain things I may do or say to them, but everybody has their own insecurities, their own things that just get to them quicker than others, and I need to be sensitive to that. Sometimes it is hard, but when I just slow down and think about it I'm able to respond to others needs a little bit better. 

Home Videos

The last two days I have been going through home videos. I LOVE home videos. I'm going to be that mom that always has my camera out because if my kids love these things as much as I do, they'll really appreciate it. There are a few family videos that we all are very familiar with. So every time the camera comes out they are watched. One of which is Dallin's preschool graduation video. This thing is HILARIOUS. I mean honestly. I'm working on getting it uploaded, but every single time we watch this (no exaggeration), we are all in tears from laughter. It's that good. There's a few other ones, but that's probably my favorite. And since Dallin's gone, it's been fun going through videos. He was such a cutie (and he hardly said a thing).

Well I was watching these videos and it just made me sad. I started crying because I just think about how quickly time passes. I thought about all the people in these videos that are getting older and how we won't always be together on this earth. It's a hard concept to grasp. Sometimes you wish you could just freeze time. I know I am totally going to feel that way with my little girl. And yet, that's the beauty of life, is that it keeps going and we have all these wonderful experiences and memories with the people we love. Am I crazy for already being sad about my baby girl growing up?! Haha. I just can't help but think how soon she will be married and having kids of her own. Ok I am crazy. It just all happens so fast, and that's what these videos reminded me of.

I got these videos out in the first place because I wanted to see the video of me when I was born and show Taylor what I looked like as a baby. It was hilarious. We were laughing because I probably spent the first few hours of my life just screaming my head off (That's all the video captured). Taylor thinks I'm cute and hopes the baby gets my nose. Haha. I don't know what is so cute about it, but apparently he thinks so, so I'll roll with that.

Everyone should go watch home videos. They're crazy good...and they show you the past as it really was. Sometimes I remember things, and they are so different from how they actually happened. Haha. Or they are just different than I remember. That backyard we grew up in that seemed sooo ginormous, really wasn't as big as I thought. My mom had curlier hair than I ever remember. And my dad looked as young as Taylor once upon a time. All those Christmas toys we opened up as kids flashed back through my mind and it was funny to see who the toys were actually given to, even though in the end it seemed like they were everyones. The house my parents live in now was so different and so bare once upon a time. I don't know. I loved it all. We were such a cute little family. And now it's time to make memories and home videos with my own little family. I'm excited to help them make memories.

"Taylor's Funnies"

My dear husband is such a little gem. I see other people's blogs that talk about the funny things their kids say, I would like to do one but it will be for Taylor. He seriously cracks me up on a daily basis. If you don't know Taylor, you won't think half of these are funny. But I think they're hilarious, you just have to understand his personality.

1) We had been registering at Baby's R Us for a little while when we came across the baby care products and he clicks the gun for the lotion and he just got so serious and was like "I'm not ready for a baby, I don't know how to put lotion on her." I was laughing so hard I was crying in the store. It was funny that this is finally what struck him as not being ready.

2) Almost on a daily basis Taylor will start rubbing my belly and in a weird accent he'll say, "Rub the magic 8 ball." Lol. I don't know where he got it from, but it's weird and corky and cute.

3) The other morning I was showing Taylor how far out the babies foot was sticking and he put his hand on it and said, "I'm giving her a foot massage." Then he starts laughing uncontrollably because as soon as he started doing it she moved her foot really quick. He thought it was hilarious. And so did I.

4) Sometimes we sit around discussing possibly baby names with my mom and it starts to get ridiculous. All the sudden Taylor says "Let's name her Anne of Green Gables." My mom was laughing so hard and again there were tears. She was like, "Can you imagine getting up to bless your baby and saying we give you a name, Anne of Green Gables Ball." Maybe you had to be there for that, I don't know.

I really have the cutest little Tay Tay in all the world. He keeps life interesting. And he really is so funny. He has a very unique personality and humor that is always making our family laugh.