It's July!

And I feel weird (That's a good start, right?). Time is passing by fast. My time to leave is approaching quickly and I just don't think I can handle it. On the one hand, I am EXTREMELY excited. But I can't help but feel like I have a family here in Provo now...and it's almost harder to leave them than my own biological family because I knew I would always be back to visit them every chance I get. It's just not the same.

July marks that summer is halfway over for us. But for some reason I feel like there is less time than there really is. This month means 6 and a half months since my ACL surgery.It means that I am leaving this month to move back to Vegas. It means that me and Taylor will be spending 2 weeks apart.
It means 6 months have passed since 2012 started. 6 months since resolutions and optimism for this year. I remember on January 1st thinking this was going to be an incredible year for Taylor and I. I knew we had a lot of growing to do, and this year was going to bring a lot of changes for us. I can say now that the year is only half way over, and already this has been incredibly true!

• For one, I went through my ACL surgery and it was definitely a struggle. Not a massive one by any means, but a struggle none the less. I know we grew and our relationship benefited greatly from that experience. But it was hard. 
• Taylor applied for graduate school. We were thinking we would be off to California or Logan for graduate school come August...but that plan didn't exactly pan out the way we thought it would. It was hard. 
• I sent off my little brother Dallin on a mission. It was kinda hard. Lol. I miss him tremendously. But there is no place I would rather him be. 
• We thought we would have a baby this year...but March came and went without a positive....and it was hard. It's still hard. We still don't have a baby, or a positive, or anything. We started "trying" back in October (Almost 9 months ago). I know it's not long, and I don't want this to sound like I think our lives are any more difficult than anyone elses...or diminish what difficult experiences others have had with not being able to get pregnant...but it's just been something that has been difficult for us. (I share this not to tell everyone that we are having a hard time getting pregnant, but because of the positive things that have resulted because of it. I'll spare the details of it all because I don't feel like things are to that point yet...whatever that may be. But this is where we are now). 

 I want it so bad, but it just hasn't been happening. I see others around me getting pregnant so incredibly easily and it's hard. On the one hand I am excited for them, a baby is exciting! Especially knowing that you are going to be a parent for the first time. But I was finding that it was becoming increasingly difficult for me when others would announce they were pregnant, especially when it wasn't difficult for them to get pregnant at all. Not even a little bit. One night, I was really sad. I was not even angry, just depressed about it. I did not like that I was not pregnant. I did not like that had we gotten pregnant first try (like it seemed everybody else was doing) that we would be having a baby in just a short time and yet we still weren't even pregnant yet.

I cried. But I knew I did NOT want to be one of those people that is unpleasant to be around just because something isn't going their way. I prayed and prayed and read conference talk after conference talk, went to the scriptures. Finally my heart was healed. Honestly. It was soo cool. Especially now to think about it. I am still sad that I am not pregnant...but my heart does not ache every time I think about it, or every time someone tells me they are pregnant. It is what it is. I have absolutely no idea how much longer I have to endure this. It may be 1 month it might be until I die...but I had to kick my broken heart to the curb first thing because I did not want it to hold me up for the rest of my life. Things are still hard, but I feel much much better. That is awesome.

I love the atonement and how it helps us all with so many different things!  The Lord is there for us through everything. And I feel absolutely wonderful knowing that. I don't know what God has planned for us, but whatever it is it will be amazing! Sometimes it still can be hard thinking that what I think will be amazing isn't what he thinks will be...but I realize that thus far he has been in control, and things truly have been amazing. I love trials. I really really do. This year has definitely taught me that. I love my Heavenly Father. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my friends.

We have grown a lot this year. A lot a lot. It was needed and probably couldn't have come about without the things we have gone through this year. I am grateful. 

I am grateful because it is July. It is warm. I live in a cute apartment with an incredibly cute boy. I have friends that I adore. I have a new baby niece. I am moving closer to my family. I am optimistic. And I know that my Redeemer lives.